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| Our Shrine to the Christmas Squirrel. Thanks for the socks! |
Origins of the Christmas Squirrel: Part 2
Enter the Hero Squirrel
America loves its heroes to come from
humble origins. But who could have guessed that the squirrel who
saved Christmas was a carnival sideshow reject?
Zippy the Squirrel was the youngest
member of the famed “Amazing Bushytail Family”, a staple of the
carnival sideshow scene in the Wisconsin Dells from 1906-1953. The
Bushytails deserved their fame. In addition to their renowned
prowess on the flying trapeze, one brother was a large carnivore
tamer, two sisters juggled fire and miniature chainsaws and the
oldest brother performed a strongman routine – once lifting a clown
car with a complete complement of the visiting nineteen member
Ringling Brothers' clown contingent.
Zippy, unfortunately, possessed only
one somewhat unmarketable skill: he could run really fast.
It's not that the Dells' management
didn't try to market Zippy. For awhile, he was the “Amazing
Flash”; a gray blur racing around the three rings while the rest of
the family was up on the high wire. Audience members that even
noticed considered that act to be boring. They gave him skates and
had him do Jammer duty during human short track competitions. He was
too fast and the roller girls went on strike until he gave up the
jersey.
Fortunately, what Zippy lacked in
marketable athletic skills were more than compensated for by his
charm and wit. During a fleeting flirtation with literature,
audiences were enthralled when Zippy took on the title role of
“Othello” on the side stage.
Zippy came to love the bright lights
and Shakespearean intrigue. He loved the attention. More than
anything else, he loved making the children in the audience laugh as
he threw in a few off-script motions inspired by the great Charlie
Chaplin. It looked like he had found his niche.
And then came the Santa market crash of
1929 and the beginning of the Great Depression. Audiences who could
still afford the carnival turned their attention to more dramatic and
pedestrian fare such as staged cage matches between the Two-Headed
Woman and the Tattooed Man.
While the rest of his family toiled to
create ever more dangerous, and enticing, carnival fare, Zippy was
relegated to the back bench. He assisted with ticket sales, kept the
books and helped dole out money (when there was any) to the
performers at the end of each week. He took his job seriously, but
missed the bright lights and the feeling that he was actually
accomplishing something. He was saddened to see that the few
children who showed up were generally worse for wear. They were
grubby and wore tattered shoes and socks nearly ready to fall off
their feet. For these Depression battered kids, smiles were few and
far between.
But it was in the back office that
Zippy learned to love listening to the radio. While his personal
misery increased along with the rest of the nations, he could take
solace in the weekly radio dramas.
By 1933, the carnival was in pretty
sorry shape. Zippy shared the near fanatical dedication of the
owners to the cast and crew, but money could only go so far. So far,
his families skills kept them from the fate of Henrietta the Dancing
Pig (pork chopped) and Sid the Singing Horse (stew). He missed his
friends and feared for his family. He desperately wanted to help.
He wanted the carnival to go on...and he wanted to see children smile
once again.
The year 1933 should be remembered as
the year that everything changed, but it was a year that people
prefer to forget. However, this was the year a new hero emerged. A
hero who loved the radio. A squirrel who turned out to be the best
and most willing audience for FDR's Fireside Chats.
In the Fireside Chat of August 22nd,
FDR talked of the Origins of the Great Depression and attempted to
soothe the fears of a public weary of Edison's annual September
propaganda on the failure of the Sleigh of Holding. “Christmas
will come!”, his voice practically boomed from speakers in living
rooms across America. He announced the creation of the Sleigh
Engineering Corps; the WPA's version of the manned lunar landing
program of the 1960s. FDR spoke of patience and hope. “With the
formation of the SEC, the formidable might of U.S. science and
industry will solve the Santa problem by 1940. We will help put a
present under every tree, provide clothing for babes in arms and a
turkey for every table. No longer will Americans suffer through the
indignity of squirrels in every pot.”
It was these words that triggered
Zippy's moment of Genius. He saw in a flash that the real problem
wasn't the lack of overall sleigh capacity. The problem was in the
trivial, yet necessary, things that were placed in the sleigh along
with presents that brought joy and hope.
It was in that moment that Zippy
declared, “I shall bring them socks!”
In the dead of night, Zippy gathered
his family together and shared his daring plan. He piled a knapsack
full of nuts and with a cheery farewell darted off to the North Pole
under an Aurora draped sky.
Hope Arrives
With the help of government mathematicians, Claus Enterprises
calculated to the second when output and capacity would collide to
yet again doom Christmas. The evening of September 21st
found Santa well into his fourth eggnog awaiting the inevitable
resonant blast of the steam horn announcing their annual bottleneck.
He fell into a fitful slumber, face down in a Sears catalog.
He was surprised to be awakened by the Chief Elf shaking his
shoulder. He was shocked to see the time: 2:00 AM tomorrow!
Yes, it was September 22nd and, like magic, the Sleigh
of Holding was still accepting a tremendous volume of goods running
off the main plant's conveyor.
The Chief Elf could hardly contain his excitement as he informed
Santa that the sleigh had been remeasured and that new calculations
indicated it would keep up with the assembly lines until Christmas
Eve!
Santa straightened his hat, squared his shoulders and picked up the
red phone to call the President. By sunrise, FDR had signed the
controversial Executive Order mobilizing the National Guard to stop
the presses and forever end the distribution of the annual “Santa
Fails” edition of newspapers across the country. He took to the
airwaves on September 24th to deliver the good news and
decry the excesses of the media barons in what later came to be known
as the “Tesla Was Right!” Fireside Chat.
Christmas was coming. And hope had arrived.
There Will be Heroes
In the rush to get ready for Christmas, Santa did not have the time
to contemplate exactly what might have happened with his sleigh.
Given the past four years of misery, he was quite content to be
thankful for miracles.
Christmas Eve arrived and Santa launched with a full sleigh and a
long and blissfully complete address list. Imagine his surprise
during his first delivery of the evening. Up on the roof, he started
unloading and checking items off the “good” list:
A chainsaw for Dad. Check!
A new dress for Mom. Check!
A violin for little Susie. Check!
A BB gun for little Billy. Check!
New socks for all... “What!”
“What?”, Santa almost shouted. “No socks! Surely the elves
packed socks for them!”
But as he rummaged frantically through the sleigh, he discovered that
not only were there no socks for the Aaronsons of Eastport, Maine,
there were no socks at all! None! The sleigh was absolutely barren
in the sock department.
Santa vacillated between shock and anger as he dropped down the
chimney. His feelings turned toward pure shock when he found that
the Aaronsons' hearth was already adorned with neatly arranged, brand
new socks!
The pattern repeated throughout the evening. Every house already had
warm, comfy socks under Christmas trees, on mantles and tucked neatly
in stockings.
Santa was high over Omaha when he finally started to put two and two
together. “Hmmm...maybe it wasn't Tesla after all...”
On a normal Christmas Eve, Santa's long journey would end in Ozette,
Washington before turning north and home. But this was no normal
Christmas and Santa saved a special transcontinental sprint for his
last stop. Onward to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue he flew with the jet
stream to his back.
He was greeted by a grateful FDR in a strangely dark and quiet Oval
Office. But Santa had to break a bit of bad news while celebrating
the good. Few people knew of FDR's paralysis; one side effect being
that his feet always felt cold. “I am sorry good sir.” Santa
said in a sad, quiet voice, “But I don't have any new woolies for
your feet.”
As if on cue, they heard a skittering sound cross the roof and then
come down the chimney. And there, emerging from the fireplace, came
an ash and soot covered bushy tail followed by the rest of Zippy with
two pairs of hand-woven goodness clamped firmly between his teeth.
Epilogue
And that, dear readers, is how Zippy Bushytail saved Christmas. With
new found optimism, the American people dug in and started to turn
the economy around. But that Christmas evening in 1933, FDR, Santa
Claus and the Christmas Squirrel agreed that the country was still
hanging by a thread and that some secrets are best well kept. The
Executive Order directs the Secret Service to scatter fresh acorns on
the White House roof every December 24th in perpetuity.
It also allows this particular state secret to be unsealed on
December 25, 2133.
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| State Christmas Secrets are well protected in an undisclosed location. Thanks to Wikileaks for helping liberate the true story of the Christmas Squirrel. Otherwise, this vault will not be opened until Christmas, 2133. |
On the latter subject, you will have to pretend you have never seen
the true story of the Christmas Squirrel. You will certainly have to
deny knowing its source. So, from the author, I wish you a hearty
Merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous New Year!
Now, please move along. Nothing to see here. ;-)
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| Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the whole crew at vintagetechobsessions! |
